You're not cool unless you pee your pants

I had my ct scan today. The news was good, in that there was nothing bad to report. Since all this stomach stuff started, I kept thinking about my grandmother, who died of pancreatic cancer, and how she kept saying that she felt fine as long as she didn't eat. When I realized I was in a similar situation, I couldn't help but wonder if I was yet again going to defy the statistics. The rational part of me was saying I was overreacting, but when you have pain like that, you just know something's WRONG.

Dr. GI was so nice today. Normally, when you have a test like this done, the radiologist reviews the pictures, writes a report & the doctor reads it and his or her nurse calls you with information. Instead, Dr. GI told the scan tech to tell him as soon as I was done, and he came and reviewed the scans himself while I was still on the table. He was able to say right away that he didn't see anything that wasn't supposed to be there, and that while the bile duct is dilated, it isn't the size of a baby's arm or anything, and there's no boulders in there. And, my liver enzymes aren't elevated...sooooo....no clear cut reason for the stabbing pain of death three weeks ago and continuing tenderness and random pain.

He gave me three options: do nothing, and hope it never happens again; do an ERCP (Endoscopic Retrograde Cholangiopancreatography), which is essentially a scope inserted all the way through the stomach & into the duct itself; or a MRCP (Magnetic resonance cholangiopancreatography), which is an MRI of the area. I was not a fan of the do nothing option, because frankly, I don't like the idea of surprise stabbing pain of death and the likelihood of the pain returning is high. The glitch to going ahead with the ERCP is that it sometimes triggers pancreatitis. Pancreatitis is B-A-D. As in, several days in the hospital on IV nutrition because you must have total digestive rest BAD. As in, eating no fat and no spice for extended periods of time bad. I would love to be thin, but I'd rather just go bulimic than do the pancreatitis weight loss plan. The risk with the ERCP is increased if you aren't sure what's there. So, we decided to go with the MRCP, because it will rule out several things that might take ERCP off the table. It's scheduled for the 19th.

In the meantime, tomorrow morning I meet with the OB/GYN, and I'm optimistic she will be able to say that I'm well on my way to my body realizing I am indeed, no longer pregnant. They measure this with beta HCG levels, and mine finally dropped after the methotrexate shot, in the first blood draw, so I'm hopeful that today's blood draw will continue to show good results and we won't have to worry about having another injection (which would have sent me into a fit of sobbing) or surgery (which would also have sent me into a fit of sobbing).

I know I haven't fully processed the miscarriage. For one thing, I only knew I was pregnant for two days before I started miscarrying. And I knew the odds were extremely unlikely that it was viable, even without knowing it was ectopic. And I know the timing for a pregnancy now would not be ideal - Declan is still nursing and I have my hands full with two energetic little boys. But, it's like when you're sitting there, and someone hands you a wonderful piece of candy. You weren't hungry, you weren't even wanting candy, but once you have a bite, and then they take it away, you miss it. That's the best explanation I have. And that has me confused. We had been fairly sure we were done having children, given our advancing age and decreasing financial resources. But now I'm thinking about that candy.

For now, we all have some mental peace. (Or as close as people like us come to peace.) And if you're curious about my title - one of the "side effects" of ct-scans done with contrast and intravenous dye is a sensation of liquid warmth spreading throughout the pelvic area. Yep, it's exactly like what it would feel like if you peed your pants. Weirdest thing ever.

P.S. This deserves and perhaps will get an entry of its own, but the universe has shown me ten times over how blessed I am with love from my family of friends. So many of you have written me privately and publicly, and prayed for me and thought positive thoughts and even brought me dinner or watched my kids. I cannot tell you how much it means to me. We may be eating beans and rice once these medical bills roll in, but I am rich in friendship, which is worth so much more. Thank you, thank you, thank you.